Drunken SC man performs CPR on bale of pine straw

Posted on June 27, 2007
Filed Under current affairs, decent people, flyover country, spirits, stupid people, white trash, winos

Nothing better than a good drunk story….emphasis added by me to make it funnier:

A Hilton Head Island man confused bales of pine straw with a dead woman, and tried to resuscitate them early Tuesday morning, according to a sheriff’s report.

The 39-year-old called deputies to the parking lot of Hilton Head Cabanas, 32 South Forest Beach Drive, at 1:49 a.m., saying he had just tried to perform CPR on a dead woman, according to the sheriff’s report.

They arrived to find him talking to a large bale of pine straw.

When asked where the woman was, he pointed to the straw, the report stated.

The man told deputies five people knocked on his door and wanted to party. A woman asked him to come outside, and told him there was a dead woman laying in the parking lot, the report stated.

Deputies think the man had been drinking. The report says he thought Tuesday was Halloween and he had two empty bottles of bourbon inside his home.

At least this guy tried to be a good citizen….he finds a stiff in his parking lot, makes an effort to perform CPR and then calls the appropriate authorities. Congrats to the local Barney Fifes for piecing together the brilliant deduction that he might have been drinking. No doubt the FBI will have them on the next flight up to Quantico based on that high quality detective work.

I’ve been known to enjoy a bourbon or two, but I know my limits. I’d strongly suggest that nothing good will happen if you even think of leaving your house after killing two bottles of Kentucky’s finest. And kudos to the guy for being able to perform CPR in such a liquored up state. Still, when its mid-June and you think its Halloween and you start performing CPR on landscaping ground cover I can safely say its time to put it in the bag for the night. At least he didn’t try to perform a tracheotomy on a palmetto tree….

Full story here from the Hilton Head, SC fishwrap…



Comments

2 Responses to “Drunken SC man performs CPR on bale of pine straw”

  1. Good Citizen on June 27th, 2007 7:37 pm

    Agreed. We put him in for the “Good Citizen” medal.

  2. The Prophet on June 27th, 2007 7:47 pm

    Agreed. We put him in for the “Good Citizen” medal.

    Yeah, you got to give him some props for making an effort. There are plenty of *sober* people that wouldn’t help someone in distress. I actually feel kinda bad for him–imagine how bummed he was when he couldn’t get a heartbeat. Although I’m surprised he didn’t figure it out when he kept getting a mouth full of pinestraw when he was trying to administer mouth to mouth…

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