• Home
• Blog
• Articles
• Features
• Forum
• About
• Contact
• Links
• Newsletter

Animal Freaks: The Asian Swamp Eel

This disgusting critter is Monopterus albus, more affectionately known as the Asian Swamp Eel. It was first discovered in the United States in a small tributary of the Chattahoochee River in North Georgia, and has since been found in a number of streams and swamps in south and central Florida near Miami and Tampa. Scientists think that this native of Southeast Asian rice paddies was introduced to this country by some idiot who released them from an aquarium or similar captive setting into the wild. Another theory is that some Asian immigrants figured they'd raise themselves some eels to eat. Now all hell is about to break loose because the eel will eat damn near anything, including all of the cool animals that live in swamps and marshes like fish, frogs, shrimp, etc.

The Asian Swamp eel is one tough sumbitch, however, and scientists are so far baffled as to how they can be eradicated. They have the disturbing ability to breathe air and move on land as well as water. If the eel cleans out all of the living creatures in one tributary, he can actually climb to shore and slither to another. Scientists studying the creatures in labs finally learned to cover the eel's tanks at night lest they get out and feast on whatever else they can find in the area. The Asian Eels have been observed to move in packs of 50 or more in search of new feeding terrain. They reproduce year round, with one eel able to lay 1,000 eggs at a time and have the disgusting ability to change sex at will. They prefer fresh water, but can tolerate very high salt content as well. They have been found alive after being frozen in a pond all winter, and one researcher had an Asian eel live seven months in a damp towel without food or water.

This survival ability makes them a very tough adversary. Poison the water they live in and they'll just leave, either spreading the problem by going elsewhere or waiting until the water becomes safe again. You can't kill them by concussion with dynamite, and other poisons which eliminate the ability to assimilate oxygen are also useless. In one test with such a poison, the eels just stuck their head above water and continued to breathe. The eel also has no known predators, with the possible exception of alligators.

Former Interior Secretary Bruce Babbitt, not the sharpest tool in the shed, responded to the problem in typical fashion: by commissioning a study and a bureaucratic entity called the "National Invasive Species Council", which purports to coordinate the efforts of another 20 or so Federal agencies that have some influence over the problem. Like most bureaucracies run amok, this fiasco clearly won't yield any worthwhile results. They plan to educate the public, which isn't a bad idea in theory but the practical reality is that pinheads that dump illegal eels in swamps don't read government pamplets. The other responses Babbitt enumerated are the typical big government claptrap--more regulation, more people charged with oversight, more money, yadda yadda yadda. Like most initiatives of this sort, it's pretty obvious that not a damn thing will get done.

So here's my plan to eradicate the Asian Swamp Eel. I can guarantee that if it were implemented that it would be much more successful than Babbitt's tired big government response. The fundamental problem with the Federal government scheme is that it is long on study and short on action. That is typical of a dunderhead like Babbitt--he's more concerned with understanding the eel and what makes it tick than the rightful priority of eliminating the damn thing. Anyway, under the Prophet's plan we're not going to waste any of the taxpayers money on trying to understand this vermin, we're going to get as much bang for the buck as possible by using our resources to kill it.

The Prophet's Eel Elimination Plan:

1) Under no circumstances should the ownership of the eel be made illegal as has been done in Virginia and other states. The last thing we want to do is make it an appealing aquarium pet for the trailer trash set, and nothing would do this faster than the taint of illegality. It is important to emphasize that the eel is vermin and a threat to animals that are good to eat.

2) We should take the entire budget that is being wasted on Federal eel erradication and use it for a bounty fund. Yep, we're going to use the ingenuity of the American angler/hunter and the power of the free market system to kill the eel. Put a price on the head of each eel of "x" dollars per, set up collection stations in the affected areas to count the carcasses and pay the hunters, and watch the eel population dwindle. The hunters can kill the eels themselves, or perhaps it would be better to bring 'em in live and put them in big collection takes. Then video cameras could be dispatched to record the proceedings as the eels were killed en masse in a bloody orgy of decapitation. This could be broadcast live on television in order to stir up more "anti-eel" bloodlust, and used in future public service announcements. Besides, it would be pretty cool to watch a big tankfull of eels get what they deserve.

3) Spread the word of the bounty not in government pamplets that no one reads and academic journals that only biologists and marine scientists subscribe to, but in publications that will be read by individuals who will have an interest in going out and killing the eels. The mercenary journal "Soldier of Fortune" would be a good start, as would hunting and fishing magazines. Get Richard Petty, or Dale Earnhardt, Jr. (who is a bigtime hunting enthusiast) to do public service announcements condemning the eel and publicizing the bounty.

4)  If scientists believe that alligators are predators of the eel, the next step is a no-brainer: transport every spare alligator available to the region. Now I'm not talking about pulling the gators out of their natural habitat, but there are countless instances where the gators are in places they don't belong. Take them from golf courses, swimming pools, residential areas, etc, and transport them down to Florida.

Back to Prophet's Place Main Page