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How to Order Espresso

Back in the day, the only people you’d find in an espresso bar would be people who knew what they wanted to order and how. In serious coffee towns like Seattle, Portland and New York City anyone who entered the realm of gourmet coffee was there for a reason—they wanted something better than the cup of Joe at the doughnut shop. Espresso bars in other cities served a “niche” population who understood the concept of gourmet coffee and sought out these establishments. In Las Vegas, for example, there were less than a half dozen espresso bars such as Jitters on East Tropicana and Java Centrale in Green Valley. Now there are an astounding 167 Starbucks stores in the Las Vegas metro area and countless privately owned shops and smaller chains. The Barnes and Noble chain has also helped to spread decent espresso coast to coast.

That’s a good thing for those of us who like espresso—there are now a number of espresso bars in the Columbia, SC area and not just in the downtown. The problem I’ve encountered—both locally and at other establishments that aren’t in traditional “espresso country”—is that far too often the customers are neophytes who not only don’t know what they want but don’t understand the entire concept of espresso. Frequently, lines will ensue not because the staff isn’t pulling shots quickly enough or that they’ve got too many customers but because some idiot is hemming and hawing over what to order.

1) Know what you want beforehand. You should have a few drinks that are “your” drinks, and order those more often than not. For example “my” drinks are a Latte with an extra shot served either iced or hot depending on the weather. Occasionally, I’ll have a cappuccino or a shot or two of espresso. If you want a specific sort of milk (soy milk, skim milk, etc.) ask for it when you order. The barista may ask you what kind of milk you’d like—answer quickly or, if it doesn’t matter just say so. Typically, you’ll get 2% or some other “default” selection. Also, make sure to know what size you want. I usually get a “tall” at most espresso bars and a “venti” at Starbucks, which are the largest sizes they offer. The espresso bar—as the name implies—isn’t very different in concept than the alcohol bar: they basically offer the same things (or they can all make the same thing) with some unique “in-house” specialties. You wouldn’t go to the bar at the Ritz-Carlton or other classy establishment (or, for that matter, even a dive bar) and expect the bartender to explain the entire concept of cocktails, explain what’s in a martini and so forth.

2) Don’t take your kids to an espresso bar. This is not only for the benefit of those of us who don’t want to listen to your screaming spawn, but for the benefit of kids themselves. Kids don’t want to drink coffee. Take them to Baskin-Robins or somewhere they’ll actually like to go. If you must take them, the same rules apply—they should know what they want or you should know what they want. A lot of espresso establishments serve soft drinks, and if they don’t most can whip up an Italian soda. In any case, don’t expect the barista to provide a list of “kid-friendly” drinks. That’s not their job, and you’re holding up the line. Also, keep in mind that many people come to espresso bars to work, read, engage in conversation, or just enjoy a few minutes of downtime. Nothing spoils this faster than crying babies, obnoxious brats running all over the place, or ill-mannered pre-teens giggling and cutting up. Make sure your kids behave themselves—it’s a good opportunity to teach them the basic concept of how to behave in establishments and situations that require some semblance of deportment. Unfortunately, far too many parents think the whole world is one big half-price pizza night at Chuck E. Cheese and that there are no guidelines for the behavior of their children. Don’t be one of these poor excuses for role models, and try to teach your kids how to behave in the world from an early age. Everyone will be better off for it.

3) Make sure that you tip the help. Being a generous and enthusiastic tipper in general helps lubricate your passage through life’s tight spots, and no where is this more important than at your local espresso bar. Some places will have a tip cup on the counter, others won’t. Barnes and Noble, for example, won’t let their coffee bars have tip cups on the counter but they do accept tips. Not only is tipping the decent thing to do, but it is an investment—particularly in any place that you’ll be patronizing regularly. A dollar toke for the counter help will ensure that your order is prepared quickly, accurately and courteously. Do this enough and you’ll find that things that other folks pay for—extra shots of espresso, soy milk, etc.—will be comped. If you go to a place on a daily basis, or even several times a week, it’s a good idea to throw in a big tip every now and then. Give ‘em $10 at Christmas, for example. It will pay dividends throughout the year, and you’ll quickly become a favored customer.

4) Don’t feel compelled to use “espresso shorthand”. You know what I mean—the sort of gibberish that Steve Martin parodied in "L.A. Story": "tall half-caf decaf cap" and that sort of talk. There’s nothing inherently wrong with it, and if you’re in Seattle, Portland or other cities the espresso help may know what you mean. Better idea is to just order completely and clearly, so that even if the counter help isn’t hip to coffee lingo you’ll still get what you want and you won’t have to waste time explaining yourself. It really doesn’t take any longer to order “a iced latte with an extra shot” than it does to boom out some shorthand phrase that the help might not know.

5) If you want your drink made a certain way, explain it while you order. This implies you know what your doing and should not be confused with stammering around about espresso basics. The good news is that most of the big chains like Starbucks and Barnes and Noble train their help to make a decently consistent drink. They’re taught to follow a procedure, however, and if you want your drink done a certain way that isn’t “standard operating practice” you’ll need to explain what you want. Most baristas can capably comply and happy to do so, but they can’t read your mind. Nor should you assume that there is a “standard” way to make any drink. In a perfect world there probably would be, but the reality is that no such standards exist.

6) Finally, the word is ES-PRESS-O and NOT EX-PRESS-O. There’s no “X” in the word. Regardless of how much or how little you know about coffee, there’s no excuse for sounding like an idiot.

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